Slog along towards the brink; "just over the hill now". Through the footsteps in the wilderness. Towards "I am what I am to be". Formation of energy- solid grip of sand.
"That is safe, there must be a meticulous foundation, so much wasted time, how depressing, what a scandalous thought."
"What is scandalous is your envy of freedom and reliance."
"oh is that so? You mean reliance on God? You have no idea my tests!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean..."
"No, I can be a little dramatic, and...I'm sorry too. It's just that..."
"Well, I hope this doesn't sound pretentious, but they are a very peculiar"
"Your talking about tests?"
"Yea, I have never known anybody else who has had them. I suffered almost as much from, you know, the lack of understanding, um...the misguided diagnoses, the cross-eyed looks, as I did from, from the test itself."
"I take it by your use of the past tense that these tests are past?"
"Well, sort of, ok. My original plan was, and I know this sounds cliche, but it was transcendence, or synergy. There were no details, but I knew that the world would bend to the spirit that I was tapped into. That's it. Now when the tests came, and the particular circumstance of these were not important, though I did think so at the time, it was more like what I can describe as a conceptual catch 22 way of addressing the moment. I couldn't live through my own eyes, I always felt compelled to approach a situation how I would think of somebody else thinking it. Anyway, it's hard to describe, but I prayed and prayed, screamed, and when others were around, inside. It was really the only hopeless time I have felt in my life."
"Was anybody aware of what, or, how you were doing?"
"Well again, either I couldn't verbalise, or it just wasn't like other...um...I have never really heard of being stuck in competing conceptual, um, mindsets when being just in a regular circumstance, does that make any sense?"
"Sort of. Your descriptions are kind of vague, I wish it made more. "
"So do I. Thank you for listening to me, I wanted to answer your original question about still being tested, um we were talking about reliance on God and tests in relation to freedom. I got over this test by accepting that I couldn't apply my enlightenment to the world how I had thought. I think it was a prayer by the Ba'b that did it. I forgot which one, or what exactly it was about, but I got from it that I needed to let go of my need for synergy and freedom."
"That seems kind of counter-intuitive. It seems like those are things you would want"
"Well, I know. It was more like, I needed to accept my limitations, build within them, and somehow leverage them for my long term growth. I felt that maybe I could, well, I realized that I couldn't act with the freedom and spirit, even charisma, that I might have wanted, but I could do the things that don't require that so much. More things to do with patience and diligence. Such as reading, studying, planning, and these naturally applied to what I pursue now, from going through school, to being available, maybe not effective, but available and present, for faith activities, to carry out the plan. I think getting married is a part of that. It allows me to be more comfortable, and time, to be myself, to share with someone, and to love someone beyond the remote ideal of love for mankind."
"And to be loved."
"yes. Absolutely...I want to say that how you approach life is very inspiring to me."
"I am sorry for my condescending tone earlier. Part of it I think is jealousy. I seem to have developed a lack of patience for those attitudes that I have resigned to be, well what I think is not possible for myself. I think that this mode I have been in, now I am near the brink. Soon I can be the final definition of what I have settled for desperately. But now I think, why settle. It has almost become too easy to fall back on the crutch of what God has ordained, in my view, that I cannot do, and that I can. I don't feel that I am ready to form."
"Hmm, I am glad you are realizing this, though I am not totally clear on what you are talking about exactly, a lot of your descriptions are kind of vague."
"I know, they were more for me to better understand this brink that I am supposedly standing on. Thank you for listening, for drawing me out and asking questions. It is not always easy...Some people can easily express themselves. I need people to ask questions, to dig deeper."
"I didn't do very much."
"But you did. You listened, and I don't know where this torrent came from."
"I am not quite sure what you mean by 'being on the brink of form."
"It doesn't exist, it is a mirage."
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